it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
