White coat. Heels.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
