Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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