final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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