I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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