first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
