why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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