I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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