Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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