Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
