'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
