he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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