am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
