So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
