Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
