I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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