When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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