I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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