Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
