My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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