It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
