I swear she didn't look like that last week.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
