apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
What a dumb baby whore.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I will pee on everything he values.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
