Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
