He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
BRING THE BAGELS
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
