I just saw a hot homeless man
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
