You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
