Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
