I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
