Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize