he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
