That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
