Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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