He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Randomize
