Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
