I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
