I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
