Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
