just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
