dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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