I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
