You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Randomize
