dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
