I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
