I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
