just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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