Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize