video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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