woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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