Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
