I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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