Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
