So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
