i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize
