Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Randomize
