Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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