did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
