The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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