I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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