I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize