there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
