Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
