there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
how drunk are you?
Several
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
