i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
