Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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