I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
